10 Facts about me and the Mister

Another inspiration from Hallie over at Betty Beguiles!

10.

We met at a karate school while I was in graduate school. I outranked him but he looked awfully fetching in his starched shirts and suspenders that he wore to the office. (He would come to the karate school right from work.)

9.

I am an incredibly light sleeper. He is a snorer. As a sacrifice to his wife, he sleeps in the guest bedroom. Actually, it’s win-win all around. He doesn’t wake me with his snoring and I am not waking him with jabs to the side.

8.

This man makes a cheesecake TO. DIE. FOR. And my thighs can prove it.

7.

We are self-professed BBC fans: Doctor Who. Torchwood. MI-5. Top Gear. Chelsea Football. BBC News.

6.

We purposely picked September as the month to get married because we wanted “September” by Earth, Wind and Fire to be our Wedding Song.

5.

But then we eloped while we were in Key West on vacation… and told our Priest before telling our parents.

4.

Every Saturday morning he bakes cinnamon rolls (from scratch) and we eat them while listening to NPR and every Saturday night he paints the girls’ nails.

3.

He practically hunted down the lactation consultant in the hospital when I was having latch problems after The Bear was born and was my biggest cheerleader though one of my toughest moments as a new mother.

2.

I cook some pretty “unconventional” foods for this meat-and-potatoes guy (black bean patties, quinoa, falafel, ratatouille, etc.) Never have I heard him complain, although I am pretty sure he orders steak when out on client dinners!

1.

I really did marry my best friend. After all, only your best friend would know that an iPhone would be the best birthday gift ever. ;)

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Feel free to share your own top ten list in the comments below and be sure to head over to Betty’s to read more love stories!

Pax Christi!

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A Song for Mama’s Milk: April Carnival of Breastfeeding

Welcome Carnival of Breastfeeding readers! This month’s theme was “Extended Nursing.” This is an older post that I’d written on the subject but it is still applicable.  Be sure to check out the links to all of the other participants and their thoughts about nursing toddlers at the end of this post. Enjoy and Happy Reading!! – Karianna

The other day, The Mister and I stumbled across the movie “Grown Ups.” What struck me about this movie was not that it was a mindless comedy with a revelation-for-the-good-of-the-family at the end, but that it featured a four-year-old nursing. As I am watching, I am thinking, “This could be fantastic! The beginnings of normalizing extended breastfeeding.” Of course, I was sorely disappointed. The breastfeeding scenes, while few, were met with jokes and ridicule and one ill-mannered four-year-old, demanding “I WANT MOMMY’S MILK!” What?! Is it too much to expect that Hollywood would treat extended breastfeeding with courtesy and respect? I guess that it’s easier to make fun of it since every one else does.

I am the mother of two daughters, both of whom would qualify as “extended breastfeeders.” The Bear will be 4 in July and weaned at 30 months. The Dragonfly will be two in September and is very much in love with nursing. The girls tandem nursed until The Dragonfly was three months old. At that point, this mama was pretty much done with tandem nursing. I asked The Bear if she would mind if Mama’s Milk was only for the baby. She looked at me at said, “Sure! Can I have some yogurt please?” And with that, my nursing relationship with the Bear was complete and, to be honest, she was still just a baby in my eyes.

Breastfeeding is one of my most cherished parenting tools. What do I do if the Dragonfly falls and hurts herself? Nursing makes it all better. What if the Dragonfly is having a rough day? Let’s take a moment and nurse. How about this one? Mama is stressed out and kids are getting on her last nerve? Let’s stop, nurse and reconnect. What if she’s sick and can’t keep solids down? Breastmilk’s got it covered. How about those “picky eating” phases, do I reach for a nutritional supplement? Nope, breastmilk is all that we need. The life of a toddler is all about exploration and discovery. Sometimes that exploration can get overwhelming and discovery can consume many free moments in the day. Nursing allows time to rest and for your excitable toddler to just be a baby once again.

But, extended breastfeeding isn’t culturally accepted or the norm. Why is that? Why is a child considered young enough to breastfeed at five months but too old by nine months? Why do we pressure mothers to begin solid foods at 4 months even if baby is not showing readiness signs? Mothers who nurse past one year or even two years are accused of being too attached to their kids or even worse, abusing them. They are told that what they are doing is “gross” or “twisted” or that breastmilk doesn’t have any benefits past twelve months. Really? Is that where we are in the 21st Century?

One of my favorite moments during the day is when The Dragonfly comes up to me, and says “Muk, peas!” We sit down to nurse, with tickles and giggles to boot. Near the end, she stops, looks up at me and says emphatically, “Done!” Every time it makes me laugh and then she laughs and runs off to resume playing. There is nothing weird or strange about extended breastfeeding. To the child, it is just another way of knowing that they are loved. We may cluck out tongues or look disapprovingly at a toddler or preschooler walking around with a bottle or pacifier, but we don’t ever think that the parent is somehow hurting the child. Why wouldn’t the same hold true for the nursing relationship?

I just finished reading A Song for Nagasaki: The Story of Takashi Nagai by Paul Glynn and there is a moment in the book that really exemplifies the extended breastfeeding relationship. I will warn you though, it may make your eyes well up… especially if you are a parent. (Spoiler Alert! If you are currently reading the book or planning to, you might want to stop reading the blog here. This scene is toward the end of the book.) The book is a true story about a man and his family living in Nagasaki before, during and after the dropping of the A-bomb on the city. The narrator is a father, talking about his daughter, after the bomb killed his wife:

“It is nighttime, and I am in bed in the hut with four-year-old Kayano in my arms. She is drowsy and almost asleep but instinctively reaches under my shirt and takes hold of my nipple. With a shudder, she realizes it is not her mother’s breast, and that her mother has disappeared. Suddenly, she is awake and sobbing.”

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Make sure to visit the other Carnival Participants!

Elita @ Blacktating: The Last Time That Never Was

Mama Poekie from Authentic Parenting: Extended Breastfeeding

Mama Alvina of Ahava & Amara Life Foundation: Breastfeeding Journey Continues

Diana Cassar-Uhl, IBCLC: Old enough to ask for it

Judy @ Mommy News Blog: My Favorite Moments

Tamara Reese @ Please Send Parenting Books: Extended Breastfeeding

Jenny @ Chronicles of a Nursing Mom: The Highs and Lows of Nursing a Toddler

Christina @ MFOM: Natural-Term Breastfeeding

Rebekah @ Momma’s Angel: My Sleep Breakthrough

Suzi @ Attachedattheboob: Why I love nursing a toddler

Claire @ The Adventures of Lactating Girl: My Hopes for Tandem Nursing

Elisa @ blissfulE: counter cultural: extended breastfeeding

Momma Jorje: Extended Breastfeeding, So Far!

Stephanie Precourt from Adventures in Babywearing: “Continued Breastfeeding”: straight from the mouths of babes

The Accidental Natural Mama: Nurse on, Mama

Sarah @ Reproductive Rites: Gratitude for extended breastfeeding

Nikki @ On Becoming Mommy: The Little Things

Dr. Sarah @ Good Enough Mum: Breastfeeding for longer than a year: myths, facts and what the research really shows

Amy @ WIC City: (Extended) Breastfeeding as Mothering

The Artsy Mama: Why Nurse a Toddler?

Christina @ The Milk Mama: The best thing about breastfeeding

TopHat @ the bee in your bonnet: From the Mouths of Babes

Beth @ Bethstedman.com: Extended Breastfeeding: To Wean Or Not To Wean

Callista @ Callista’s Ramblings:  Pressure To Stop Breastfeeding

Amanda @ Postilius: Nursing My Toddler Keeps My Baby Close

Sheryl @ Little Snowflakes: Tandem Nursing- The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Zoie @ Touchstone Z: Breastfeeding Flavors

Lauren @ Hobo Mama: Same old, same old: Extended breastfeeding

Tanya @ Motherwear Breastfeeding Blog: Six misconceptions about extended breastfeeding

Jona (Breastfeedingtwins.org): Breastfeeding Older Twins

Motherlove Herbal Company: Five reasons to love nursing a toddler

Pax Christi!

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Nomad

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a reader. I love to read and I will read just about anything and everything. I am a fast reader and I can tear through a 300 page novel in about 2 days if all circumstances are right. (Plus it helps that the Dragonfly tends to be a lap sleeper so that affords me usually a 2 hour block in the afternoon in which I am sitting in my rocker with the child and a book. It’s lovely!) As I’ve gotten older, I have found my tastes evolving from mindless fiction to non-fiction novels… especially biographies and auto-biographies.

I most recently finished Nomad written by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Ms. Ali was born into a Muslim family in Somalia. She left her family and fled to the Netherlands when her father decided she should marry a cousin living in Canada, who she had never seen. Once in the Netherlands, she learned the language, the culture, worked odd jobs and eventually became a translator and a member of Parliment, before immigrating to the United States. She speaks highly of assimilating cultures and traditions into the majority, rather than allowing ethnic enclaves to exist and to perpetrate centuries old traditions that are not mallable to Western thinking.

This idea that immigrants need to maintain group cohesion promotes the perception of these people as victim groups requiring special treatment. If people should conform to their ancestral culture, it therefore follows that they should also be helped to maintain it, with even their own system of legal arbitration.

In the real world, equal respect for all cultures doesn’t translate into a rich mosaic of colorful and proud peoples interacting peacefully while maintaining a delightful diversity of food and craftwork. It translates into closed pockets of oppression, ignorance and abuse. (pg. 261)

Ms. Ali is an atheist but tolerates the Christian God more so than the Muslim Allah (which is kind of funny because in the end they are both the same God.) She does challenge those who fervently believe in the laws of Islam, especially women, who she believes should be doing more for other Muslim women:

On campus after campus I would stare in despair at these confident young men and women, born in the United States, who had so manifestly benefited from every advantage of Western education yet were determined to ignore the profound differences between a theocratic mind-set and a democratic mind-set… These students seems to lack a basic human empathy for other Muslim women- women who are just like they are but who cannot speak in public or even go to school. If they lived in Saudi Arabia, under Shari’a law, these college girls in their pretty scarves wouldn’t be free to study, to work, to drive, to walk around. In Saudi Arabia girls their age and younger are confined, are forced to marry, and if they have sex outside of marriage they are sentenced to prison and flogged. According to the Quran, their husband is permitted to bear them and decide whether they may work or even leave the house; he may marry other women without seeking their approval and if he chooses to divorce them, they have no right to resist or to keep custody of their children. Doesn’t this matter at all to these clever young Muslim girls in America? (pgs. 133-134)

Perhaps the cause most dear to Ms. Ali’s heart is the rights and dignity of women, especially when is comes to honor killings, female genital mutilation, child marriage and veiling. I do get the impression that she sees Muslim women who choose to wear the veil as still being repressed by the men in their lives, and who knows, maybe they are. But you know what, this all got me thinking. Do you want to know what honor killings, female genital mutilation, child marriage and forced veiling have in common? They are all legal in some countries and in the eyes of devout Muslims, can be interpreted as part of Shari’a law and used to support the subjugation of women. For these same devout Muslims, Shari’a law trumps that of Western laws, including US law. (Please note: it is very hard to find a neutral source discussion Shari’a law and women, so I include two separate links here and here. Both are biased, each in either direction.)

Many times, in discussing my pro-life views with people, they inevitably state one of two things: “If you don’t like abortions, don’t get one” and “If it was that bad for women, it wouldn’t be legal.” This brings me to this conclusion: Just because something is legal, does not mean that it is right. Just because it is legal to grind off your 4 year old’s clitoris, remove her inner labia and part of her outer labia and sew her vagina closed, doesn’t mean that it’s right. Just because it’s legal to marry your daughter off as soon as she begins menstruating (so as best to preserve your family honor) doesn’t mean that it is right. Just because killing your 4 year old because she underwent a gynecological exam after an allegation of molestation is legal doesn’t mean that it is right. (Ms. Ali is very pro-choice but she does comment how she appreciates how the pro-life and pro-choice camps in our country, for the most part, can discuss this difficult topic without resorting to violence.) But the question remains, where are the Western feminists in this fight?

There are many factors as to why Western feminists are not jumping fully into this fight for Women’s Rights. One is the threat of violence that stems from the more fanatical forms of Islam. Another is that Islam is headed by men of color and there is the issue of Western ideals being imposed on men of a minority status. Another is Western countries, in fear of seeming colonial or otherwise oppressive, do not want to force others to assimilate to that particular society’s norms.

For the longest time, I was really against the thought of assimilation. Thinking that if people make the choice and fight (or pay) to come to the US, the least that we can do is let them hold on to their cultural identities. But I do believe that there is a fine line between holding onto family traditions from the old country and completely distancing yourself from those in your “new” country, preferring ethnic enclaves on Western soil, with rules and laws to match. Is there an easy answer? As with the best questions, not really.

Ms. Ali mentions one way to push back is to engage in dialogue and to ask tough questions. She was raised in an environment where question asking was not permitted and met with violence rather than answers. From page 215:

Free Speech is the bedrock of liberty and a free society. And yes, it includes the right to blaspheme and to offend.

and from page 212:

All human beings are equal, but all cultures and religions are not.

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Have you read Nomad? What are your thoughts? Is Ms. Ali just trying to bad mouth an otherwise peaceful religion or is she telling the hard truth? The next book I am reading is Pink Ribbon Blues: How Breast Cancer Culture Undermines Women’s Health. Grab it from your local library and join me!

Pax Christi!

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