Friday evening, The Huffington Post ran a story about a high school girl whose senior pic was deemed to racy for the yearbook pages. If you scroll down to the comments, you will read a myriad of opinions such as:
There’s a pole in her future…
So, why do teachers molest???Future stripper. Oops, I mean exotic dancer.She has to pay for her coke habit. Oops, I mean collegewhat’s wrong with the photo? She is just a beautiful young lady. And quite sexy.But,…..but…that photos shows HER BARE SHOULDER! That so called skirt SHOWS HER KNEE – her KNEE!!!!
And she’s GAZING INTO THE CAMERA! Don’t you get it?
(I don’t either – I think you have to have daughters to be this upset)TO ME, THIS PIC SAYS, “I’M THE SCHOOL SLUT”I wonder if she has any intelligence at all? In any case, it’s too bad to see any human being succumb to being used by the dark side of society.
Doing a quick web search for “Dancer Senior Pics” gave me a few other shots to share:
Slut-Shaming, a definition from Finally Feminism 101:
Slut-shaming, also known as slut-bashing, is the idea of shaming and/or attacking a woman or a girl for being sexual, having one or more sexual partners, acknowledging sexual feelings, and/or acting on sexual feelings. Furthermore, it’s “about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior” (Alon Levy, Slut Shaming). It is damaging not only to the girls and women targeted, but to women in general an society as a whole. It should be noted that slut-shaming can occur even if the term “slut” itself is not used.
I choose to dress modestly. I choose modest clothing for my girls. Why? I don’t want to be labeled or categorized by the way I or my girls dress. I will not allow “Bratz” dolls or “Monster High” or the like in my house because I don’t like the way that they look and I would rather my girls not want to emulate the dolls.
But in doing that, am I encouraging the practice of slut-shaming?
In the same vein, how will I, as a mother to girls, teach them to be safe, to protect themselves without them thinking that it’s THEIR responsibility not get raped, even if they choose to not dress modestly? How will I reach them that they are NOT responsible for leading a man on or for being a “tease?”
“There was an article about an 11 year old girl who was gang-raped in Texas by 18 young men because she was dressed up like a 21 year old prostitute.” – Kathleen Passidomo (R) Florida
(In 2011, the politician soon came out and said that the media twisted her words.)
From Canada, a statement involving a Judge (Dewar) speaking about the man accused of sexual assault (Rhodes):
Dewar called Rhodes a “clumsy Don Juan” and said “sex was in the air” on the night the sex assault occurred. He also noted that the victim and her girlfriend were wearing tube tops without bras, high heels and lots of makeup.
“This is a different case than one where there is no perceived invitation,” said Dewar. “This is a case of misunderstood signals and inconsiderate behaviour.”
Let’s make this clear, no girl ever “deserves” or “asks” to be raped. As a society, we seem to be more condemning of stranger rape than we are of date rape. I don’t know what we find it hard to swallow that every person is capable of evil at any given time, even the sweet All-American boy that your daughter is dating. And every boy is capable of it… take a look at the club, ladies, when’s the last time you were at a club, or a wedding, or anything with mixed couples dancing (most likely pre-marriage) and some random guy came up to you and started grinding on you? Most likely you let him, or you tried to move away, only to have him follow, but how many of us actually would say to the guy, “No, thank you. I do not want to dance with you.”? How do we teach our daughters to say NO, with confidence and to CLEARLY communicate their desires without making them think it’s somehow their fault if something bad happens?
We begin teaching it now. Some of us are parents of strong willed children. Children who LOVE to say the word NO. Children whom we label contrary, or difficult or challenging. Right now, we relish in the thought of being able to extract that NO out of their vocabulary, to mold them in to obedient automatons but those are the teens and young adults we want our children to grow up to be. Ones who are confident enough in themselves to be able to look someone in the eye and say NO. Ones who know that wearing a bandeau top and micro mini might now be the best idea and certainly will broadcast a message about them, that that message might not be received as ”Hey, I am a person, someone’s daughter, sister, mother, aunt, friend, and I was created in my Father’s likeness!” That they will have to be very clear in their desires and intentions.
But it also means teaching our daughters that they are more than flesh and bone. That they are more than the clothes on their back. That they are more than just a pretty face. That beauty and figures fade, but character lasts a lifetime. Maybe it’s in finding out why she wants to wear the bandeau and micro-mini… is she wearing that because society tells her that is what the most desirable women wear, and she wants to feel desirable and wanted? Does she feel the only way to be empowered is to control others with her sex? Is the making her dressing decisions for herself or is she dressing to please others? Is it possible for us, as a society, to take the power out of clothing?
The burden of responsibility does not just fall on the shoulders of our daughters. Keep an eye out next week for my take on raising sons.
(images from blog.zap2it.com, reddingcreativeportraits.com, angel navarro photography, and worley arts photography and Wikipedia)
Special Thanks to Jen for helping me work through some of these ideas.
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Thoughts, thoughts, what are your thoughts??
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I know, I always comment. But I agree with you, modesty must spring from our sense of self – not from fear of others. Fear is not of God.
So I’m thinking of doing a series on modesty, modesty for personal reasons, and I was wondering if you’d write one?
Anyway, another great post.
Since I am pseudo-homeschooling, sure! I’d love to read other reasons for modesty and how modesty can differ from culture to culture.
When I was in high school and there was a serial rapist in my neighborhood, I remember learning that rape was a violent crime, not a sexual crime. Does it seem that we’ve moved from violence to sex now? I do think that that date rape is what comes from all the oversexualized images we see about women, and the viewpoint that women have to be sexy all the time.
Saw this video on FB yesterday: http://youtu.be/JFh5F8cFb3g
That’s a really great point, Sara! Do we still view Rape as a violent crime? I think it’s both, I think most stranger rapists (and for some date rapists) it is definitely a power thing (not to be crude, but look at the incidence of rape in the prison system,) but there has to be an element of sexuality there as well. Thanks for the clip!
I know I am a little late to this post, but I had to comment here.
I , too, have noticed that my definition of rape has changed; I did indeed used to think, “rape is about power, not sex” I know better now that rape is a crime that happens for a lot of reasons, and involves elements of violence and sex, as well as narcissism.
The difference has to do with expanding my understanding of how rape happens, from thinking mostly about stranger rapes to the many, many other scenarios, including people who are already dating. I also believe that one person can think he (or she) is doing nothing wrong, a perfectly normal sex act with a less-than-willing partner (ie, drunk, or just tired of saying no and keeping quiet) and it is still a rape.
I agree with you that sexualization of …well, everything… leads to more date rape. If I were to guess I would guess that, while violent stranger rapes have decreased, rape of minors and date rapes have actually increased over the last few decades.
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Also, Karianna, sadly I would day that many older religious women and men don’t think that there is much wrong with “slut-shaming.” Maybe I am just tired from all the reading and commenting I have been doing lately on more conservative Catholic blogs like those at the NCRegister. But seriously. It’s like a national pasttime: Slut-shaming couched in the “lament over the decline of female modesty.” Usually by men, but women love to chime in with how disgusting it is when other women attract their husband’s eyes.